Sasha mom has agreed to enforce their use, if I want it and we agree on rules, with one catch. I need to address why I feel this way.
Is the objective to have a long-term plan or to define rules "until further notice"? You should probably try working on the former. Maybe not on a fixed timeline, but something that gives you a feeling of progress. You went from expecting no future to expecting an uncertain future, but what you need to work on is to set your sails so the uncertain winds will blow you towards a destination. From drifting expecting to drown, via drifting expecting to wash up, towards sailing.
In any case, I commend your mother for her job as a keyholder. It seems to me like she is way more interested in helping you solve your issues than she is in keeping you locked, if she does not want to indulge your desire to be restrained without demanding you work on the root cause. A welcome change from some of the other keyholders that members here report on, some of whom would junp at the opportunity to lock up the person whose keys they hold more strictly.
Sasha What we believe I am experiencing is guilt and remorse, since I was never really punished for 99% of the bad things that id done in my past, and being restrained like this, with all of the physical discomfort and limitations it involves, feels like that punishment.
That sounds dangerously close to self-harm. You definitely work on the root cause of your guilt rather than just seeking punishments. It may be better to wear chains and chastity than to deliberately give yourself potentially life-threatening injuries, but trying to escape guilt by causing yourself more physical suffering cannot be the answer.
Sasha To this goal I will volunteer to speak with youth and teens about how dangerous DUI is, and why staying out of trouble is the best option. Hopefully helping at least a few avoid trouble. I feel this will both help the community I put in danger and help me move past the guilt I feel over it.
I wonder what you expect out of that. If you want to face your guilt and lay it bare in front of members of the public, that is a great step (but leave your unusual punishment out of it - might be best to go in just your belt, that is easier to conceal than the full outfit).
But if you want to evoke a meaningful change, manage your expectations. Speaking to troubled teens, usually the people who need that message the most will also be the sort of people who either pay the least amount of attention, or belittle you for all the wrong reasons.
I feel like you could do well with a confessor. Not sure how religious you are (or whether you otherwise have a preacher available whom you would be comfortable talking to), but I am sure there are secular options that may be pursued.
