Commitment to chastity

Simon

Hi everyone,

Since I posted in the Welcome Thread, quite some time ago, I have been taking that time to understand and interrogate the reasons why I want to make a commitment to chastity.

It began after what seemed like a fairly throwaway comment froma friend with whom I had been doing a little Bible study (We were reading John). Simply, "have you thought about chastity?" I dismissed it fairly quickly. I have had a very active sex life throughout my life, mainly with long-term monogamous partners (three of them, totalling 16 years) and, almost immediately prior to this conversation had been having lots of quite varied sex with multiple partners.

Although single at the time I - and one might say "of course, you're a man" - I masturbated whenever I felt like it and could find the time. But her question has been ever-present, for two reasons. First, chastity is a virtue in my religion and there are a number of scriptual fragments that warn against lust. Second, and this is in the realm of "things seen", I saw the grace of God surround her as we prayed one evening. A thought and feeling not easily shifted.

Since I first posted here, I have been chaste for short periods of time and have come to understand its positive benefits to my life and to my spirit and so have been chaste for longer, as I have become a little more used to the device (I do need to wear a device as I still find the temptation too strong) and its unwieldiness, uncomfortableness, and the limitations it makes on my ability to engage in strenous activity - like climbing into the attic!

These periods have been short because the biological quirk of being male is that I produce semen continually and this tells my body to release it, by messages of sexual frustration and the attendant physical changes. I hold the key to my device myself, as I don't wish to put that burden on a friend, nor to disclose this very personal part of my life to them. So, of course, when these two characteristics that are attendant to chastity grow, then it is relatively simple to allow temptation to take the lead.

I highly value the experience and insights of everyone here (while I do not post regularly - and perhaps this is something that will help me and I should post and interact more - I do read), and would appreciate yours, now, as I fortify my commitment to chastity.

Perhaps you might have insights on physical discomfort, sexual frustration, key arrangements, and - very much - anything else that I have not considered but which you feel are important.

Sasha

Simon Physical discomfort is something unavoidable in all aspects of life. Pain is temporary and fleeting.
My victory over sexual addiction is absolute, my commitment to wearing my chastity belt is proof of commitment.

V, for victory!
It represents my new beginning, a new life. Which has made enduring its limitations much easier

Max9

Simon I have been chaste for short periods of time and have come to understand its positive benefits to my life and to my spirit

How did this manifest in your everyday life? What benefits did you experience?

Simon and its unwieldiness, uncomfortableness

There is a wide range of quality products, though the quality differs gravely between all the devices on the marked. I would recommend you to buy a good device. If you need help with that, feel free to ask me.

Simon biological quirk of being male is that I produce semen continually and this tells my body to release it,

In deed it will be pretty hard, if not impossible, not not release any sperm. Thought we are gifted with the ability to release it by leakage, without actively supporting this process.
That is a feature you will get to experience by the time you are locked.
Still, there always is the drive to release the pressure and lust, wich usually comes and goes in waves, but you will learn to live with that over the time - as long as you manage not to give in everytime.

Me, I'm myself holder of my own key as my last girlfriend and I found out that we have ver, different expectations of our relationship.
Therefore I can understand your struggle of being strong enough to not give in. There are some ways to make life easier, as you can read in the respective thread, still there is some strength of yourself needed to achieve it.

WriterAlexis

Simon

You could also not be chaste, and enjoy life and your sexuality as you have been.

Not to be flippant, but why change a formula which seems to have been working for you? Did you have any ptlrobkems as a result of your sex life?

Markus

Simon Perhaps you might have insights on physical discomfort, sexual frustration, key arrangements, and - very much - anything else that I have not considered but which you feel are important.

I think no device will ever be comfortable.
Frustration comes, you will have many urges, but after a while it will be better.
Important is nothing to do or see, what can you do horny.

My key is in some thermoplastic, so it's not easy or fast to get it free.
Only open it for a shower if it's necessary, and you feel no urges.

Simon

Sasha

Thanks Sasha; you've given me further insight - encouragement!

Yes, there have definitelty been times in my life that could be described as a sex addiction. Prefigured, I think, as a love addiction, which I might try and get into when I reply to Alexis. Certainly, when I've been single and not looking for a partner I've spent a little too much time pleasing myself.

It seems sensible explain my discomfort and pain in my reply to Max.

Chastity is, I believe, having that same sort of representation for me - a new life, built on my reflections of the mistakes I've made in the past and understanding about why I made them, and a greater appreciation of life beyond the material and the sensuous, which has made the limitations and vicissitudes of being in chastity more easy to endure.

Simon

Max9

Chastity has improved my everyday life by giving me a more determined focus on my life, rather than expending it on looking for a partner who might be worth my time, something of which I've grown increasingly skeptical. Certainly in the places where I was looking (dating apps, mainly, as I didn't want to complicate work by dating there), what I was looking for wasn't there, only fragments and probably not very healthy ones, which I'll explain more in my reply to Alexis.

As for my device, the quality is very good. Surgical steel, solid, fits together well and fits me. It is the largest device I've seen commercially available (because I'm above average in size) and I occupy the whole cage - there is no possibility of going smaller - and it weighs a lot. So it will pull down as I move around during the day, which causes pressure on my balls and this can get quite painful. As long as I can find a good half-a-day or more to be relatively sedentary it's bearable. I'm a writer so I can often do this, but I'm also quite busy and need to get around and get things done so sometimes it isn't. Two days of running around and the pain is approaching an 8/10.

I don't have a mind to get to the point where I leak sperm because I'm so backed-up. I don't believe masturbating here and there is a problem. I guess there question I have on my mind when do I want to "give in", as you say, and when do I want to perservere.

Please link the thread you mention, thanks.

Simon

WriterAlexis

It's a good question, Alexis, because the formulae (I have been in different situations and had different perspectives over the years, weren't working. Yes, they were working in a superficial sense but, posed as the idea that I want to live an authentic and full life, they were not.

In monogamous relationships, I found that sex was instrumental. It seemed to me that, despite their pleasure, it was something that was expected of them in order to keep me happy and keep me around. This, I believe stemmed from a fundamental alienation at the centre of these relationships. In my view, from this standpoint in history, their love was partial with strong elements of transaction. I was, respectively in these three, potential husband, academic mentor, potential father to a wished for child, alongside being charismatic, accomplished, highly intelligent, and, for all, a bit of rough (I am from a very working class community and they were each very middle class). Of course, it's not this simple at all, and there are strong elements here about lying to ourselves before we lie to others and I was a willing accomplice in these forms of what I regard now as partial love. My own flaws also ought be on display here: I have always had a tendency to love quickly and fully, which stems from my own longstanding emotional baggage. I made poor choices and stuck with those poor choices. Although I can understand the reasons why, that doesn't absolve me from them. I dived into these relationships too quickly and ignored aspects of them that I would have been better to meet head on.

Insofar as my time practising polyamory, which is what it was and all up front with my partners in this regard, the sex was great, varied, and helped me to come to know myself a great deal and be comfortable with who I am. Nonetheless, it was lacking love; sex without love is fun, for a while, but it soon becomes empty and meaningless.

In sum, the formulae weren't working, even when I thought they were, and I want more from life. It appears to me that chastity may well be the step from which I can begin to find something more authentic and more fully, and reciprocally, relational.

MissBlossom

Simon I don't have a mind to get to the point where I leak sperm because I'm so backed-up. I don't believe masturbating here and there is a problem. I guess there question I have on my mind when do I want to "give in", as you say, and when do I want to perservere.

Based on your goals, you may want to gratify yourself as soon as chastity stops helping you live a full life by avoiding distraction, and starts being a distraction itself. From what I hear about men, depending on your age, health, and other factors, this may be every three to five days.

Based on your religious motivations, you may want to avoid pornography, which might give you another way to decide. You could wait until you can do it easily without looking at pornography. That way it won't take up any more of your time than necessary.

All things in moderation, you know.

Max9

Simon weighs a lot. So it will pull down as I move around during the day, w

There are straps you can buy on amazon. I got one myself, they are really useful. They are especially made to ease cage-wearing for men.

I personally prefer to date in communities of the same interrest as mine is. So, for example, if you have a hobby, try to find a group of like-minded people and get to kbow women there. Or go to a church community of an averange age close to yours.
Then you get to know people there - and when you find someone you're interrested in, just get to know her better and better 😉

Dating apps are senseless. You spend a lot of time with one person exclusively, one afer another, just to find out it's not the right one - whereas you could get to know many women at the same time. And when you figure out someone is not an option for more you have some aditional friends

WriterAlexis

Simon

When is love not transactional?

That is just the human condition.

WriterAlexis

MissBlossom

Including moderation.

-Oscar Wilde

Simon

MissBlossom

I appreciate your perspective and, yes, about three to five days has been about where I've been at over the past months. That being said, part of my commitment and why I write here is that I would like to extend this to the point where it is (more of) a sacrifice.

You're right about porn. I find the porn that is commonly available today is sensory overload, and that's by design. It is well known that much of it produces chemical and emotional responses that are highly addictive - lots of dopamine and adrenaline. When I do look at porn it is still images, and often not involving nudity. But yes, I would like to abstain. I also have a pretty good imagination! So I'm well able to rely on it; and sometimes still take my own good time! I love to make a story.

Milady2

WriterAlexis are you not too cynical for your age? 🤔
And anyway it’s very often transactional, but not always.

Simon

WriterAlexis

Oh dear… Haha!

Even by the standards of the bare, contemporary notions of love – Hallmark or Hollywood love – the concept of love crumbles when posited as a transaction. Such a “love” is more accurately described as occupying a place somewhere in the nexus between “desire”, “want”, and “need”. I doubt a Valentine card printed with “I love you because you look good on my arm, have witty repartee, and wealthy parents” would sell. As I consider even the contemporary rom-com, if this ethic is there it is as a sidebar, attendant to these qualities simply being popular in motion pictures. Nonetheless, Casablanca?

To go beyond this conception, Erich Fromm writes well on how the doctrine of self-interest and exchange has seeped in to “love” (in ‘The Art of Loving’), drawing on Georg Lukacs’ insights in History and Class Consciousness. Just because it is a widespread way of practicing “love” does not make it love. To be even more expansive, what would Aristotle say? Shakespeare? Jesus? Mohammed? Buddha? Confucius? To approach your definition, we might ask Barbara Cartland or Jilly Cooper, but even then, the protagonists (in my admittedly very limited knowledge) seem to be prepared to lose every material comfort for their love, so I might even be wrong about this.

The reason why Cartland and Cooper might be a little closer to “love as transaction” is because it is not the “human condition” but rather a tendency of human behaviour and emotional landscape in this iteration of human society, in which exchange is the central point. To approach this, we might ask what might the practice of love looks like in, say, the Persian Empire, among the tribes of the Amazon basin or the South Pacific before colonisation (whose economy was predicated by gift), or in Oldowan when humans first emerged. We might also take a critical perspective, for I am not proposing some sort of unalienated love in a nostalgia, what about in British feudal society, either among the peasant or lord class, or in the 18th century? What is the transaction in a mother’s love?

Nonetheless, I know that my love is not part of a transaction and I see love everywhere that is not transactional – of neighbours, parents, dog owners…. Socialists love people who they don’t even know and who they will never meet. Humanists too. Unselfish love is a pillar of all the major religious texts and of many of their practitioners.

Sartre says ‘to not choose is to choose’. It is worth exploring the idea that if we do not choose an active practice of an authentic love, worthy of the name, we choose to deny ourselves love. In exchange for ephemera; to have rather than to be. We only get one go round on this planet and I’m not prepared to abase myself like that.

WriterAlexis

Milady2

are you not too cynical for your age?

I've not divulged my age here. Nonetheless, the answer is "yes," as I am probably too cynical for any age.

Milady2

WriterAlexis you could not be too old: after a certain age it’s impossible to keep someone in reluctant chastity like you: they will just refuse and sent to hell parents / relative to hell. I’m 30 and no force will put me in chastity if I don’t want to
Of course i want to obey, so in case I will be ordered it will be 100% willingly

WriterAlexis

Simon

I doubt a Valentine card printed with “I love you because you look good on my arm, have witty repartee, and wealthy parents” would sell.

And yet most behave in this way.

As I consider even the contemporary rom-com, if this ethic is there it is as a sidebar, attendant to these qualities simply being popular in motion pictures.

The primary function of Hollywood is to invest capital into a project that will result in maximalized box office and streaming sales, and possibly merchandising opportunities down the line. This process is often conducted at the expense and treatment of the majority of its laborers, hence the current SAG and WGA strikes. This has always been the case with Hollywood since its inception. (I recently got my paws on Babylon.) The only time Hollywood serves as a moral compass or effects positive social change are the production of various documentaries, where that is maybe a secondary objective, if that.

Nonetheless, Casablanca?

Jilted man (possibly more cynical than me) chucks his former flame onto a plane never to see her again.

Woman wanted by the authorities vacillates between professing love for two different male characters when the first can help her escape the Germans in Paris, and the second can help her escape the Germans in Morocco.

Just because it is a widespread way of practicing “love” does not make it love.

No true Scotsman fallacy. If we are discussing a theoretical form that is not practiced, is it really love either?

what would Aristotle say?

I would argue that the form of the thing that is actually practiced is more representative of the Aristoteliean formal cause which defines its categorization. Not a hypothetical alternative because you dislike it.

Shakespeare?

Macbeth and Lady Macbeth. Antony and Cleopatra. Albany and Goneril. Henry VIII and Katherine. Richard III and Anne. Possibly Arden and Alice.

Not a great track record.

Jesus?

While the man himself may have had an excellent admonition of how love should be, I cannot help but notice the level of corruption of his message regarding love in 100% of his followers I have ever encountered. (Again, no offense intended against forum members.) But they are at best clueless and empty pabble (I'm married to Christ!) or worse, malicious hypocrisy designed for self-enrichment or predation. Or at the very worst, militant calls to ethnically motivated violence. No, I think I've had several lifetimes worth of hearing about "Jesus's love." I'm good.

Mohammed? Buddha? Confucius?

I do not have as much background on these to comment on specifics. Hopefully I will get a chance to study the texts more thoroughly in the future.

The reason why Cartland and Cooper might be a little closer to “love as transaction” is because it is not the “human condition” but rather a tendency of human behaviour and emotional landscape in this iteration of human society, in which exchange is the central point.

All human interaction is fundamentally an expression of the class struggle between the proletariat and the bourgeoisie, who at present hold all of society's wealth and means of production.

among the tribes of the Amazon basin or the South Pacific before colonisation (whose economy was predicated by gift)

Their economies were predicated on basic survival. Primitive hunting/gathering and fishing is a brutal, difficult existence. It is characterized by food insecurity, disease, and the forces of nature besetting you. Your continued support by you family/tribal unit is dependent on your utility to that unit. If you think it is easy to get by in such conditions, try watching Alone sometime.

or in Oldowan when humans first emerged.

Oldowan has left us stone tools, but we have no human artwork dating to that period. It is wildly inappropriate to support assumptions about love or other expressions without any archeological evidence. There has recently been some fantastical claims about the funerary practices of Homo naledi that have entered popular culture and clickbait headlines, but academia has thoroughly denounced them as being completely unsupported.

what about in British feudal society, either among the peasant or lord class, or in the 18th century?

Possibly the height of transactionality. Land, livestock, title, issue, dowry. Women bought and sold as property and used to ensure a male lineage. Regarding the peasant classes (this class struggle sure ain't new, is it?) I haven't come across any texts describing the emotional motivations of common law marriages, but if anyone knows of any, please send them my way.

What is the transaction in a mother’s love?

Biological imperative. You are the vehicle of genes, and those genes have been naturally selected to promote behaviors that will selectively benefit their replication and continuity. Any Richard Dawkins book can tell you that.

Nonetheless, I know that my love is not part of a transaction

I'm happy for you.

I see love everywhere that is not transactional

I see a dog eat dog world where everyone's flexing.

Socialists love people who they don’t even know and who they will never meet.

I'm tryin' my best over here, chief.

It is worth exploring the idea that if we do not choose an active practice of an authentic love, worthy of the name, we choose to deny ourselves love.

Deny ourselves? Probably. Hell, it can be more extreme than that. Some of us even hate ourselves most of all. Could possibly be unworthy of love. Now there's a deep hole to reflect into.

We only get one go round on this planet and I’m not prepared to abase myself like that.

The planet goes round whether we abase ourselves or not. I just choose to do it with both eyes open, unblinded by superstition or fairy tale. The forces of heaven and earth may conspire to silence my witness, but I remain compelled to share it regardless.

Avery

Simon These periods have been short because the biological quirk of being male is that I produce semen continually and this tells my body to release it, by messages of sexual frustration and the attendant physical changes. I hold the key to my device myself, as I don't wish to put that burden on a friend, nor to disclose this very personal part of my life to them. So, of course, when these two characteristics that are attendant to chastity grow, then it is relatively simple to allow temptation to take the lead.

I always laugh when a guy says he's a male and males must release. Always thought that was an excuse to get in my pants. Or somebody's pants.

Sorry about that. I have some serious suggestions. I too hold my key and have, with a few fails, been chaste for a little over two years. Some things I can recommend that I have done.

I don't go to bars and don't drink any alcohol. Both things weaken my resistance.

I no longer dress sexily. The idea of putting on pink thong panties and not wearing a bra just make me think sex.

I often sit at the back of a classroom away from boys. It helps keep them out of my head.

I shower in public whenever I can. This means at a communal shower facility at the gym. Thus I keep my hands off myself.

I don't sleep in my belt but I keep it handy under my bed. If my hands begin to stray to the wrong body parts while I'm lying there I get the belt and put it on.

I don't go near porn.

I'll post anything else I can't think of now but I found I needed to change my habits. We've talked here about how Muslims remain chaste. One answer is their whole society (in Muslim countries) is set up to help people resist sexual urges. I found I had to change my little world in the same manner.

And, seriously, this time. Put the idea that I'm a man and I have to have it out of your mind. I could fuck half the guys on campus just by asking. But I don't.

youdontknowme

Avery I always laugh when a guy says he's a male and males must release. Always thought that was an excuse to get in my pants. Or somebody's pants.

Or their own pants. Any such perceived need is most efficiently taken care of by masturbation. Not exactly in line with the teachings of many churches, but neither is having sex with someone who is not a monogamous partner.

But yeah, that stuff will release itself through things like wet dreams eventually (leakage is not the same fluid). And most of it gets reabsorbed by the body anyway. Personally, I prefer semi-regular masturbation over random wet dreams (due to ease of cleaning up), but anyone who thinks their bollocks will burst if they do not orgasm for a while is talking... just that.

Conrad

Simon

Hello!

I would make sure you clearly define your chastity goal. A virtue is a living thing, an ornament for your soul that you keep forever. I’d say as a virtue it’s also a spiritual gift, I have to ask God to grant it to me and be willing to work for it. Avoiding porn (and anything close to porn), masturbation and sex outside of marriage are the fencing. The chastity cage is a tool to help enforce the fencing. There are a bunch of benefits to chastity, it’s a step in the direction of love. You might be addicted to your sexual behavior, so take the attitude of never giving up on chastity because It may take years of work to make significant progress.

I don’t wear the cage often but I would say that for me the testicle pain is minimized when the diameter of the base ring is as small as it can be without cutting off blood flow. It stays secure if it is snug.