Sasha I suppose the additional restraints are an unusual option, but my sexuality was a big part of that life style, there’s also a safety aspect to wearing it. I’ll let the rest read into that.
I am mostly concerned about the message you send. I am not asking you to give up on restraining yourself. It is clear you thought it through and you are given plenty of opportunity to reflect on whether that is a good idea. I trust the judgment you, your mother and your therapists come up with together. Though I am curious if you have ever brought up your desire to feel punished with your therapist.
But this is about you appearing in front of a bunch of people. People whom you are trying to come at with a message that it is not too late to turn your life around. People who might view goodness and compassion as a weakness. People who seek freedom and strength. If you come to them shackled like a prisoner, you definitely will not convince them that you made a step in the right direction. Concealing your restraints is important, and I feel the more of them you wear, the more likely something will be discovered. Especially mobility-restricting stuff like thigh bands could easily show its effect even if the bands themselves are not visible.
For every bit of shame you convey for what you were, you must balance it out with pride for what you have become. If you portray yourself as someone who used to be proud and is now controlled by shame and submission, that is only going to convince people to not follow your path. You need to show how turning your live around breaks metaphorical shackles, not how it puts on literal ones.
By all means, keep the belt on. That is easily concealed under the right outfit and can keep you safe from both yourself and others. Especially if your public-facing activity is only a few minutes of speaking per audience group. It is also part of a commitment you have already made and are very much determined to uphold. But there will be plenty of time for wearing further restrictive gear when you are not appearing in front of an audience of troubled teens.
