Advice for potential new Keyholders

Laura

Jenna Since you joined many people post less frequently, or stop all together

I disagree. We've always had people like him and it was not a problem

Ines

@Jenna and @Milord , absolute shame on you!

Why do you come here to have an angry discussion and poisoning the environment?
Do you think that someone comes here to read your reproaches? NO. NO. NO.
People come here to have pleasant time, and friendly tone is not an option here, is mandatory.
The red line is unwillingly usage and minors, the rest is welcome.
If you can not interact as adults, just ignore the other.
I will not tolerate another show as this. It was a fight of school yard.

Jenna

Tjc Thank you, very well written.

Kaja

Why were my posts deleted? I was not more ofensive than Jena.

She talks about shame what girl bring to familly. I spoke about shame what Jena bring to her familly. Where is diferent?

Ines

Kaja

Please, stop.
Really this is unbearable, "and you more... ".
It seems a kids conversation, this is a keyholding thread not reproaches thread.

Angelina

HHelen Right, smart people learn from others' mistakes.

since the post was deleted/invisible for whatever reason (it only had to do with the topic Monica and Jane @Ines?) here is my answer again

It's actually quite simple. With Monica and Jane there is and was no trust in each other, learn that it doesn't work if there is no trust

HHelen

Angelina With Monica and Jane there is and was no trust in each other, learn that it doesn't work if there is no trust

I can't conclude, that there was not trust between them at all. However I do agree, that Monica has chosen a wrong approach.

Jenna

HHelen I am sorry that the other posts were deleted. Essentially we are all on the same page here. When you asked your daughter to wear a belt, I am sure a level of trust was established first. It is a very personal and powerful statement that both the keyholder and wearer have to be aligned with before a belt is worn. I am sure with your daughter you told her the virtues of belt wearing, the values of doing so, etc. beforehand.

I did the same with @Susan and @Kate2. I told them the belt is a shield, not a sword. It is for protection not punishment. In the case of Monica and Jane, she would look at it as punishment and would not agree to wear it. No love or trust had been built so success was impossible. A sad case for sure.

Angelina

HHelen However I do agree, that Monica has chosen a wrong approach.

if you read through their situation, what would you say is the path Monica should have taken? So what should she have done differently in your opinion?

MissBlossom

Angelina So what should she have done differently in your opinion?

Stay married.

See MissBlossom

Milord

MissBlossom

You have noticed too that most of this super strict parents are almost all singles? There is a correlation probably.

Angelina

MissBlossom Stay married.

you're right on some points, but even a single mum should make sure that she doesn't set an unhealthy example for her daughter in her relationship(s)

Milord You have noticed too that most of this super strict parents are almost all singles?

probably because they fixate too much on their children. my father didn't have a partner after the separation from my mother, he was completely fixated on me as the only significant person in his life, which usually makes parents stricter towards their children

Kaja

Milord Very, very good point

Joh

Angelina It Looks Like and it makes it Not better what He did.

Milord

Angelina probably because they fixate too much on their children. my father didn't have a partner after the separation from my mother, he was completely fixated on me as the only significant person in his life, which usually makes parents stricter towards their children

Maybe all the negative decisions that leads to bad parenting, as this one, are not offset by the other parent. When coming to decisions affecting my son, we disagree most often then not, then we came on a decision that is a compromise between. A single parent can’t have this kind of confrontation and end to just enforce his / her ideas.
Another thing that honestly puzzle me is the “until marriage”, while not being married, being divorced, being single, ecc

As far as I see there is a minority of married couples with children in chastity belt. Of course UWC is not statistically relevant, but it’s a strange thing indeed

EDIT: Maybe this is too judgemental. There are wonderful single parents and shitty couple of parents outside, so it’s not specifically aimed to anyone. I just have the idea that extreme decisions taken by a single parent could eventually be defused by the other parent. This is all

Sasha

Angelina probably because they fixate too much on their children.

Can also have the opposite effect too. Mom thought because my grades were exceptional and I wasn’t causing issues at home that my constant encounters with the police must be just a rowdy teenager acting out, I’ll grow out of it. Of course without dad there to see what she didn’t there was no way to know for sure

Angelina

Joh It Looks Like and it makes it Not better what He did.

of course not

Milord Maybe all the negative decisions that leads to bad parenting, as this one, are not offset by the other parent

right, there was no one who contradicted my father in his education. i mean, i can do without my biological mother, but it might have been good if someone had told him when he had gone too far

Sasha Of course without dad there to see what she didn’t there was no way to know for sure

i don't know exactly when your father died, but could it be that it was a trigger for your bad behaviour?

Milord

Angelina right, there was no one who contradicted my father in his education. i mean, i can do without my biological mother, but it might have been good if someone had told him when he had gone too far

A child have no tool to influence his parent. You cannot be blamed

Sasha

Angelina It had something to do with it getting worse, but not the entire cause. I was starting to do things I shouldn’t have not long before that point, so yeah it had an effect, albeit not the entire reason.
But had he still been there I know they would have noticed, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to escalate it. Pretty sure I wouldn’t have had the bike or car either

Angelina

Sasha But had he still been there I know they would have noticed, and I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to escalate it. Pretty sure I wouldn’t have had the bike or car either

do you think your mum has become more lax in her parenting because she had to deal with the loss and now has to look after you all on her own?

PS @Susan @Jenna
are there any updates from Monica and Jane, do you still have contact sometimes?

Sasha

Angelina Wouldn’t say lax exactly, she had to divide her attention between us, and my siblings being 8 years younger meant they needed a lot more of it. We both agree that the problem was on the surface I appeared very mature and independent, so she felt she could devote more to them.
Obviously things aren’t always how they appear, and sometimes we make mistakes and learn from them

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