Angelina well i think it's very difficult for outsiders to describe why i act this way. i'll give it a try. i have a very big basis of trust with my father and even if we don't agree on everything, we talk to each other and about everything. we try to understand each other and that's the point i often doubt here. parents and children in this forum don't talk to each other enough. why should i feel emotionally broken ? i have a happy relationship, i am good in school and i have friends. the belt is of course a big problem, but life consists of many single things and most of them are very beautiful
I did understand that from what you wrote in other threads. The disagreement goes deeper.
Understand that my mind exists in a constant tug-of-war between cowardice and "live free or die". My mother told me that, as a baby, I would fight against going somewhere I enjoyed because she made the decision, not me. (I don't know if parents of toddlers talk about "the terrible twos" in Germany, but I was born two years old and grew out of it very slowly.)
If I was in your situation, my instincts would compel me to fixate on how it wasn't something other people have to suffer through. Even as my fear of leaving the nest kept me obedient, my love, respect, and trust for my parents would be withering and rotting behind that mask.
I know from the time I flirted with nervous breakdown that the stress of holding onto those emotions might break me... but I also know that not being able to let go of my resentment might turn me into a sociopath like my father, who has the same personality type and did have a nervous breakdown in college.
...and sociopaths are defined by their inability to form new emotional bonds and their willingness to cut existing ones. (Pretending to care so they can exploit people is a different matter. Sociopaths usually learn to fake being normal very well. Be wary of anyone who is too charming.)
