• PollFemale

  • just for fun and interest, should i wear a belt after after the wedding?

thank you for your input, my wife and i are currently discussing this very actively 🙂

first of all, we have come to a point, if i really take this seriously and really want to use it seriously, then i would at least have to wear the belt all the time. then there is no reason why i don't wear it except for sexual activities. for the bra you could use other standards, but we are still thinking about that. Thighbands should not be a permanent fixture and should only be used in exceptional circumstances, for example if I break one of the rules.

the big sticking point at the moment is how to balance the restrictions of the belt with a fulfilling sex life. this is important for our marriage, but the question is to what extent sexual control and my right to orgasms go together.
There are several possibilities. My wife could always unlock me when we want to have sex, or I could only get a limited number of orgasms. If we decide on a limited number, we have to consider how many I need to continue to be happy and up to what point it is okay to remain sexually frustrated.

these are the points we are currently discussing, including the issue of breaks for cleaning, so whether they will be monitored or whether I will be showered by my wife like in Locktober has not yet been decided

As far as an emergency system is concerned, we have already considered using sealed envelopes and we are considering setting a "trial period" so that we can back out if the whole thing does not meet our expectations

further ideas are of course always welcome 🙂

    Angelina the big sticking point at the moment is how to balance the restrictions of the belt with a fulfilling sex life. this is important for our marriage, but the question is to what extent sexual control and my right to orgasms go together.
    There are several possibilities. My wife could always unlock me when we want to have sex, or I could only get a limited number of orgasms. If we decide on a limited number, we have to consider how many I need to continue to be happy and up to what point it is okay to remain sexually frustrated.

    I feel like instead of firm rules, you should leave some space for spur-of-the-moment decisions and give her some agency in deciding based on what feels right. Particularly if you want to explore your submissive side further. Set a minimum that is well on the frustrated side (though still somewhat bearable), but give her the opportunity to grant you more if she wants to. If it becomes too much, you can always adjust the arrangement later.

    Sorta wondering if at any time in the foreseeable future, a new belt might be in the cards for Camryn, though.

        youdontknowme I feel like instead of firm rules, you should leave some space for spur-of-the-moment decisions and give her some agency in deciding based on what feels right

        Agreed, to a certain extent, although this could be on a "decide once per month" basis or something like that. I've found it's worth trying different things, rather than jumping into one set of rules.

        youdontknowme Sorta wondering if at any time in the foreseeable future, a new belt might be in the cards for Camryn, though.

        As someone in a relationship where we both have belts, I highly recommend considering this. Lots of scope for fun.

              Angelina thank you for your input, my wife and i are currently discussing this very actively

              Why don't you let your wife decide if, when and how you will get orgasms in the future - and also when you have to wear the bands? She needs to have the freedom to actively make decisions to develop her own style and ideas instead of following only your suggestions.
              Yes, that might be more risky for you, as you could end up extended times in bands or without orgasms, but after all she is your wife, you love her and trust her. So show her your trust by giving her the freedom to make decisions as she sees fit.

                  curious Yes, that might be more risky for you, as you could end up extended times in bands or without orgasms, but after all she is your wife, you love her and trust her. So show her your trust by giving her the freedom to make decisions as she sees fit.

                  Whilst totally giving over power is one way to do this kind of thing, I'm not sure it's the most fun all of the time. It could be good to try for a while, but it's not the only way to enjoy this kind of thing.

                    Angelina Angelina, it seems like the two of you have given this much thought and discussed it extensively. It would make sense that to have this be a serious effort, you would wear the belt all the time or at least as much as is practical. It is apparent that your wife loves you and is supportive of this exploration and it is obvious that you both trust each other. Perhaps, it makes sense for you to just allow her to be the sole one to determine your level of restriction based on her needs and her understanding of your needs. Her can allow orgasms for you as she sees fit with the intent of having you be happy but always just a little bit hungry for more. She can decide the extent that she trusts you to follow whatever rules she sets about "me time" while showering, whether it is permitted, limited, or forbidden all together. When you are happy and follow the rules, she allows more of treats you to showering together. When you do not follow the rules, the privilege is limited or removed. The thigh bands allow for an additional way for her to encourage you to comply with the rules you set together.
                    It seems to me that this could be fun for you both and also let you continue to grow closer and learn about each other. I wish you the best of luck.

                        curious This is not good way how to do it. You need light start to bdsm. Total submissions wokrs only for few people.
                        You need small steps and try what you like and what you like not.

                            Kaja
                            How come you always know what is best for everyone?
                            All you can say that in your opinion this would not be the right way. But you have no certainty about what is right or wrong for other people.

                            • Kaja replied to this.

                                curious I dont know how much do you know about BDSM (and consent at all). Im nor expert but your opinion is strictly against everything what I read about it. All people I know say that you have to start slowly, try what you like and dont like, every step with agreement and safe word. This is the difference between BDSM and abuse (the difference is not in how you mean it - you can want the best but you can make it in abusive way).

                                    Kaja
                                    This is not about how BDSM is done. Plenty of people have as many ideas about what is the right way to do it.
                                    When you grow older and get more life experience, then you will come to realise that it does not matter what all those people think. Even if 99% agree on something it might still be wrong for you.
                                    Angelina has the experience to live extended periods even with very strict belting and knows, she can handle it if need be.
                                    Her wife however needs t9 find her own way of being a keyholder. Restricting her in this endesvour by setting all the rules, how could she ever find out what she enjoys?
                                    She needs the space to try out things, maybe sometimes that means Angelina gets more orgasms as necessary, sometimes maybe she is too strict. But finding her way is a process that requires experimenting.
                                    And as they love and trust each other, that should all that is necessary. If you are married and do not trust your partner to find a good balance (after some experimenting which can include deviating a bit to either side) that makes both of you happy, I would argue you have married the wrong person.

                                      Kaja curious This is not good way how to do it. You need light start to bdsm. Total submissions wokrs only for few people.
                                      You need small steps and try what you like and what you like not.

                                      As much as I disagree with curious about his whole "if an opinion exists, it is equally valid" attitude, in this case I would like to defend him a bit. All he did was show alternatives, present a different side in the spectrum of options, maybe nudge her away a bit from her natural tendency towards inflexible, but clearly defined rules. "Trust her" and "give her the freedom to make decisions" does not imply completely waiving the need for consent or surrendering her rights as an individual. It just means not being afraid of her making unpredicted choices.

                                      That said, Kaja, you are absolutely right to remind people of the importance of consent, and its nature as a specific choice that can be taken away as easily as it has been granted. Keeping this in mind is especially important for couples exploring unfamiliar territory, which is probably what Angelina and Camryn would be doing if they started allowing more discretion into a dynamic that they have previously approached with rather formal rules.

                                        curious It is interesting that you know "the right way" all the time. And you know that Im wrong. So paradoxical in contex of your ideas about me!

                                          Damien Angelina, sometimes I feel you'll lock your belt back on to rescue this forum^

                                          it would at least be a nice side effect 😉

                                          youdontknowme Set a minimum that is well on the frustrated side (though still somewhat bearable), but give her the opportunity to grant you more if she wants to.

                                          we are currently discussing something exactly like this, good idea 🙂

                                          youdontknowme Sorta wondering if at any time in the foreseeable future, a new belt might be in the cards for Camryn, though.

                                          Spork As someone in a relationship where we both have belts, I highly recommend considering this. Lots of scope for fun.

                                          that won't happen, for one thing camryn has no interest in wearing a belt and for another i don't think it's good for the dynamic. i think from the moment camryn wears a belt i couldn't wear one anymore, because from my point of view there has to be a clear division of roles between wearer and keyholder so that no blackmail (if you don't let me out, i won't let you out either) happens

                                          Tjc "me time" while showering, whether it is permitted, limited, or forbidden all together.

                                          so officially we have now agreed that my showers will be supervised, but that i can shower myself. of course we generally shower together a lot too 😃

                                          @curious @Kaja

                                          please don't argue, the whole thing should be fun to discuss 😃
                                          my wife and i are currently discussing a lot about how detailed these rules should be. On the one hand, I want to give her the freedom she needs to be able to fulfil this ‘position of power’. She should have control and of course that's not possible if she has no flexibility to react to situations. I love her and trust her enough to be sure that she is acting in my best interests. But certain rules have to be clear, because it reassures my wife that there is consensus from me and she knows that everything she decides within these rules has been approved by me

                                          Update:
                                          I think by the end of the week there will be a provisional plan that gives a structure, then it will be a matter of the details and possible changes. We have agreed on a trial period, within the first 6 months each of us can quit, after that it is only possible with a ‘cancellation period’. There will also only be a safeword during these first 6 months that ends everything immediately, after that I trust that my wife will recognise when I have to leave ‘immediately’.
                                          we are still discussing and planning a lot, because there is one thing i want to avoid at all costs. i don't want us to have to cancel because things weren't clear beforehand and there are arguments about it, that would just be naive

                                                      Angelina (if you don't let me out, i won't let you out either)

                                                      I mean, the idea would be that you are either both locked or both unlocked most of the time, going with your ideal that your sexuality should be focussed entirely on your partner. I just always thought of you as the more dominant of the couple, but ever since you tried the belt you seem to be settling into a more submissive role.

                                                          Angelina that won't happen, for one thing camryn has no interest in wearing a belt and for another i don't think it's good for the dynamic. i think from the moment camryn wears a belt i couldn't wear one anymore, because from my point of view there has to be a clear division of roles between wearer and keyholder so that no blackmail (if you don't let me out, i won't let you out either) happens

                                                          It would be nice when Camryn would also be locked in a belt and that there is no excuse that you cannot be locked at the same time. She was belted before so it is not new to her. But you are afraid for the dynamic and you have a point there. So try to think creative.

                                                          One solution would be to give the key to someone else. A better solution might be the use of a time locked key safe. The duration to be locked may be set by throwing two or three dice and multiply the numbers. The result is the number of days in the belt. After that you cannot change the duration and the moment for unlock is out of your hands.

                                                          An even better solution could be a chaster.app (self)lock where rules can be set. You need a key safe with number lock for that with many numbers, 6 digits at least. Periodic cleaning breaks can be set as well. Once set everything goes automatic. You could say the third party is not a person but a computer is kh. You can start easy to try things out and go from there.

                                                          This should solve the possibility of blackmail. But you trust each other anyway so all should be well. 😃

                                                              Padre Why? Why? WHY? It is not enaughf for you that one of them might be will be locked again? Why do you need more?

                                                              And with your opinion you are more than totally changing their dynamics.

                                                                  Angelina it is awesome that you are taking something that was unpleasant and turning it into something that is fun.

                                                                  I think you are smart to set expectations, at the same time, I wouldn't restrict what your wife can do. For instance, if she wants your belt off, it should be off. After all, this is something you want, not something that she needs.

                                                                  I also think you shouldn't be so either/or. If she wants to try on a chastity belt, that is fine, although I see no reason why you should encourage her to do so.

                                                                  You seem to really like the D/S mindset, which is fine, but it isn't like wearing a chastity belt automatically makes you submissive.

                                                                      Angelina There are several possibilities. My wife could always unlock me when we want to have sex, or I could only get a limited number of orgasms. If we decide on a limited number, we have to consider how many I need to continue to be happy and up to what point it is okay to remain sexually frustrated.

                                                                      Start with one per month and see if it feels right for both of you.

                                                                      Angelina these are the points we are currently discussing, including the issue of breaks for cleaning, so whether they will be monitored or whether I will be showered by my wife like in Locktober has not yet been decided

                                                                      I think you may continue that your wife will shower you. It gives you more intimacy.

                                                                      I think you're doing very well because you're sharing and discussing it intensively. Set rules and let your wife decide how things should be done within the framework of the rules. And also have a conversation for example once a week about how it was, whether it felt right or wrong and adjust or extend it. Outside of this conversation, I don't think it should be discussed. That's what the conversation is for.

                                                                      Angelina She should have control and of course that's not possible if she has no flexibility to react to situations. I love her and trust her enough to be sure that she is acting in my best interests.

                                                                      This is the key point in your relation ship. On that as a foundation you are able to build up what you want. 👍️

                                                                              Kaja
                                                                              Isn't this something for Angelina and Camryn to decide Kaja? Angelina asked for ideas. It is addressed to her Kaja, not to you. Even when an idea is not fully followed it may somehow help in the process to develop and balance some of the dynamic and that is okay too.