Am i normal?

Steve

MissBlossom
maybe you have a point here. i could argue that normal "friendzoned" isnt about being a keyholder and the responsibilites that come with that, but i guess it really made me... hm not dull... but a bit picky when i search for a relationship. still i am very shy when talking to women i meet the first time and it takes a lot of time before i feel comfortable enough to open up and/or trust someone enough.

if i would stop spending time with her, to see if it gets me out of "Friendzone" and into a relationship, then staying locked is probably not the biggest problem. it would however end a very strong friendship that has gone through a lot.

it is true that i have no idea how my life would have went without chastity, but looking at friends and people i know since i was 16, i think that i haven't missed much. There are a lot of regrets, divorces, alimonies and what not there, because they where "young and stupid" as we say here. And yes, letting me out off chastity would be very "interessting" for the first weeks, i guess 😀

MissBlossom

Steve i guess it really made me... hm not dull... but a bit picky when i search for a relationship.

The perfect relationship won't just appear, no matter how long you wait. You have to work with someone to create it.

Steve still i am very shy when talking to women i meet the first time and it takes a lot of time before i feel comfortable enough to open up and/or trust someone enough.

Try asking women out before you know them well, and then using your dates to figure out how well matched you are. There's no harm in dating someone a few times, realizing it won't work, and respectfully ending it.

Steve

Andrew
i definetly prefer the later 😀 however it is really hard to find someone. first, as i find it hard to open up and then she has to accept me as i am. which sounds stupid and generic but it really is a big problem here.

Joh

Steve find someone. first, as i find it hard to open up and then she has to accept me as i am. which sounds stupid and generic but it really is a big problem here.

This problem have everyone. As @MissBlossom recommended you have to talk to them and it could be via mails first and on several dates. With time you will be easier on dates and finding out if she match you or not. Also their is no need to tell her at the beginning about your chastity. You don't want sex in the early state is sufficient to tell.

I active searched for my current partner over one year. So it needs time anyway.

Andrew

Steve first, as i find it hard to open up and then she has to accept me as i am. which sounds stupid and generic but it really is a big problem here.

Maybe try looking on dating sites related to BDSM (if you would like a femdom/FLR relationship).

Jonas

Steve You sound very close to your friend. Important not to mess that up. Has she had relationships during this time?

Steve

Jonas
i am. its hard to find someone that truely accpets you as you are. at least here.
she had 5 or 6 relationships this 16 years. each for a year or 2.

Jonas

MissBlossom The perfect relationship won't just appear, no matter how long you wait. You have to work with someone to create it

Great advice.

Steve

MissBlossom
i appreciate those advices and i think you are right. i guess i wouldn't mind dating someone as long as she isn't too talkative about what she learned about me, if it doesn't work out.

Steve

Joh
maybe i should really take it a bit slow when i talk to woman about certain things... thank you for that advice 😃

Steve

Andrew
i tried that for 2 or 3 years. there is a rather big website in the german speaking nations that offers exactly that. i thought about femdom/FLR for very long and i certainly would enjoy that or atleast don't mind it. "friendship plus" with my keyholder got me some experience in that case and i couldn't complain. but on such websites its 80% male and 20% woman... and of those 20% there are lots and lots of fake or dead profiles. so even after i opened myself up and decided to write someone, it was very disappointing most of the time.

Angelina

@Steve

I see the big problem in the fact that you already seem to be a very shy person and I really wonder if the belt doesn't make the problem even bigger?
What is the relationship status of your best friend?

Steve

Angelina
i guess it depends on certain aspects. if i get myself to talk with a woman and she is too.... hm lets say "quick"... i get scared because i don't know how to tell her that i can't (and wan't) to have sex right at the start. if i bring myself to speak about this topic, when she takes it rather slow, its awkward most of the time as no woman expects this kind of talk as it seems. i haven't figured out a good approach yet... it just seems to be rather hard to accept for women, here in austria.
my BF is single again since over 2 years currently. she had a short "sex only" relationship a few months ago, but that didn't worked out.

Jonas

Steve i am. its hard to find someone that truely accpets you as you are. at least here.

Maybe get a t-shirt with "Ask me about my chastity belt!" on it. Conversation starter, and, it would get the belt issue out of the way right at the outset of any relationship!! 😅

More seriously; the longer I spend in enforced chastity the more it becomes a part of who I am. I've made peace with it and so really don't care who knows about it.

The title of this discussion suggests that you're still worried about what other people will think about you. So I'm not totally joking about the T-shirt... What I'm saying is be proud of who you are and all you've achieved!!

With confidence, everything else will come to you.

Andrew

Steve so even after i opened myself up and decided to write someone, it was very disappointing most of the tim

Ok, I think I'm starting to understand your situation. Undoubtedly, it is quite difficult to solve. The only other thing I can suggest is moving to a city where people are more open to sexual kinks and where is bigger BDSM community.

Angelina

Steve

maybe you will develop a relationship with your keyholder, there seems to be no one who has been as intimate with you as she has and she already knows about your secret, so you can avoid the need to have uncomfortable conversations.
what do you think the chances are?

Jen

Jonas I've made peace with it and so really don't care who knows about it.

Easier like this

Steve

Angelina
Sry for not writing for a few days, but i tried your advice (i suggested this a few times before and she wasn't really positive about it).
We went out for a party night without getting too drunk and i brought up that matter again. She made some jokes and thought it was that, but i told her i mean it for real. After some awkward silence she told me to get another drink for both of us and she had to think about it, if i was really serious about that matter.

In the end we got home to her house and i stayed over night (in a separate room). In the morning she asked me again if i really want a relationship with her. I sayed yes and we spoke more about it...

After all she sent me home with some things to think about.

I won't get unlocked even if we enter in a relationship (at least for now).
She will take the lead in the relationship. However it won't be onesided as she wants me to be happy.
I should tell her best friends about my chastity and start to accept it.

There are some other minor requirements, but these 3 are the major ones...

Some advice would ve really appreciated

Sasha

Steve Not sure I’d accept telling her friends about it. If you wanted to share that would be different, but I couldn’t accept that as a requirement.
Her being the lead doesn’t sound all bad, if you’re happy with that no worries. But it seems that statement is based entirely on your chastity. I could be entirely wrong but that implies to me she sees you as sub based on that alone.
And the big one. I could not accept not being unlocked despite a relationship. To me there should be conditions to get that. A timeframe, engagement, marriage, a certain anniversary, etc.
hope this helps

Joh

Steve If you feel it it will be fine with her than why not but I recommend you talk about every detail in advance.

What does she understand taking the lead? In some parts or all of your relationship?
Under what conditions will you be open-minded and when and how often will you have sex?
If you can not fulfil her expectation will their any penalty?
What influence and in what way are your wishes taken into account?
If you decide you don't want to continue the relationship, will she hand you the keys straight away?
How should the finances be regulated?
If you live in a flat, who will be in the tenancy agreement?
etc.

Andrew

Steve After all she sent me home with some things to think about.
I won't get unlocked even if we enter in a relationship (at least for now).
She will take the lead in the relationship. However it won't be onesided as she wants me to be happy.
I should tell her best friends about my chastity and start to accept it.

The only thing I would have serious reservations about is the lack of unlocking. On the one hand, I understand her position, because she probably doesn't want you to see a relationship with her as a form of easy satisfaction. On the other hand, if your goal is to establish a normal relationship and have children, you should discuss this openly with her and agree on the rules under which you will be able to satisfy yourself.

Angelina

Steve Some advice would ve really appreciated

i would try it, in my opinion it is your best chance because she knows you, knows the belt and it avoids awkward conversations. also you have to keep one thing in mind, if you meet another woman, she will probably not like it if another woman has the key.

Steve I should tell her best friends about my chastity and start to accept it.

why should you talk to her friends about it? what exactly is the reason for it, i would only accept it if there is a really good reason for it.
You should also consider the questions @Joh has posted.

toad My question for the ladies here is always, does long term chastity lead to seeking a dominant partner?

my girlfriend is not dominant but i think it depends on whether the belt makes you feel submissive or not

Steve

Sasha

She is very open about talking about her sex life with her friends, so she wants me to be open about my chastity with em. Of the three points its my biggest concern. While she assured me they will keep it as a secret, i am still bothered.
Yes, i guess i would be a sub, but thats something i can probably manage. I know her long enough to trust her fully.
She will keep me locked for the forseeable future, as she thinks getting in a relationship with her shouldn't be an immediate reason to unlock me.

toad

i was just wondering if you've ever had an orgasm? Of course she will take the lead and of course you'll accept it. I think if i were you i'd ask what her defination of a relationship would be. Just as an outsider looking in, plus her early demands, i can only guess you're headed for complete female domination and ALL that entails. I also doubt that she would ever unlock you. But you would have love. I see a very demanding woman and a man that has not yet made peace with his own submissivness. All in all; i'd take the deal in a heartbeat. See you on fetlife soon!

Steve

toad
Before my chastity i masturbated... A lot.
It was one hell of a distraction and very addictive.
I don't bother if she takes the lead, as long as she makes sure that i am happy too.
I will be released when and if she sees it fit. A relationship with her on itself isn't enough to be unlocked in her opinion.

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